restraint

[james baker]

Hello sifu. It has been a while since we last talked. But I felt the need to ask you about something. I just recently went to go visit my aunt and cousins in paragould arkansas. Another one of my aunts who live very close by has a boyfriend that lives with her. I can't stand to be around this man. He has done terrible things to my family and when I am near him I just want to hurt him, he has beaten on my aunt and my nefews before, and another time he has told my nefews to attack my grandmother, and they listened. My aunt says she loves him and that he's " not all that bad of a guy". I dont understand why she would live with such a man. I don't understand why she doesn't want my protection. Whenever he was around me i would leave the area. I didn't even want to hear his voice because it only makes me want to hurt him worse. It would be useless to call the cops...she would never admit that he did these things, and no one else in my family will do anything with the exception of my brother who feels the same way about him that i do. But I felt I had to restrain myself. If I were to hurt this man it would only turn my aunt against me and she would just go running back to him. Yet even though I know all of these things....it is still hard to restrain myself.....I can't just stay away from that part of my family....what do you think i could do to help?

[SiGung Vincent A. Cabais]

I'm very sorry to hear about that.  Your Aunt seems to be like a lot of 'battered women' out there in the world.  Convinced that they are the blame of such abuse and feeling that the man that they are with is good at heart.

It is natural that you feel the way that you do.  However, violence is not the first choice that you should make to deal with violence.  It should be the last choice.  You cannot inspire a man who is violent to stop with more violence.  He will retaliate with every ounce of his being against those who he is closest to.  Namely... your Aunt.

There is only one answer to this problem.  Your Aunt needs to make the decision.  Until that happens... you should respect her decision.  Even if it is ludicrous.  The only person that can change her circumstance is her.  She has to want to see the problem and then take personal responsibility to change it.  However, the moment she asks for help... do everything in your power to protect her.  Do not 'jump the gun'.

[james baker]

I understand..i can't help her if she wont help herself. Knowing this is the reason I do restrain myself..but I hate doing nothing